musings

I WONDER WHY some of us find it harder to deal with the rigidly defined reality that is (wrongly) called an objective one,when the truth is that individual differences in adjustment/adaptation patterns are as real as each of our subjective realities.

I WONDER WHY us women cannot be free to wear what we want,and not be punished/raped/molested/harassed for it,while most men walk around freely,parading,exposing,smoking,screaming.running wild.

I WONDER WHY we are so sure of who we are,when we all know that our body reinvents itself quite frequently and the ego we believe we possess does not exist at all.

I WONDER WHY we are so afraid,why i’m so afraid,of uncertainty,when there’s nothing more beautiful than watching plans of the universe unfold in front of us.

I WONDER WHY we ever suffer,when the inevitable bliss of death awaits us.

I WONDER WHY WE EXIST.

peace.love.freedom.

summmmmertime!

hello to everyone(or anyone?) reading my blog.its been more than a month since my last post and it feels great to be able to post again.hope everyone’s been fine.

i absolutely hate the weather right now,and almost everyone around me.i hope this hatred is not contagious,it might just lead to a lot of destruction if it is.

things have been on the absolute strange and completely weird side.i have been successfully struggling with responsibilities and the baggage that they bring.

i miss being a child.i miss my father.i miss running around screaming like a maniac under the big bright sun,in a field of dust and among those who didn’t judge. i have realized one thing,there is nothing like the happiness that we experience as children.growing up is tough.once you are disillusioned,you realize that the world is fucked beyond redemption.

i want some peace,love,freedom.

rest in peace,dad

my father passed away on the 28th of Feburary 2013 at 7.30 p.m.i wish for his soul to be free,to be in light,and to find love wherever his soul goes.i was informed of his death at 8.37 a.m. on the 1st of his March by my sister.my mother was too much in shock to speak to me.he died of a heart failure,caused by a massive heart attack and other technical medical things i really couldn’t give a fuck about.his neighbor called mom on the 28th to tell her he had been admitted to the hospital and was fighting for his life.i could not go for i had an exam the next day,but my sister and mother immediately left,taking the next flight to Bangalore,where he stayed.on their arrival they were greeted by the staff of the company where he worked and when they arrived at the hospital they were escorted straight to the morgue.he had later been given a formal cremation and salute by officers and colleagues from the Indian Navy,where he worked for 20 years and had retired as a Commander.his ashes were scattered in the Kaveri,from Srirangapatna in Karnataka,India.

my parents had been separated for about 6 years now,legally still married but living away from each other since then.we moved from New Delhi to Bangalore when i had just finished grade 6 at school.we moved to Bangalore because my parents had bought a house there in the Jal-Vayu Towers(a housing complex built by the Defense Ministry of India).when we(my mother,sister and i) were living there,without my father,we were still waiting for this complex to be built.we stayed at a small rented house nearby,my sister and i attended a “fine” educational institute.my memory has a way of hiding things from me i find rather unpleasant but i do remember that i was broken even then.i had serious body-image issues then(i still do,but it gets better everyday),i had found a liking for the blade and i used to listen to the album Fallen by Evanescence on loop,every single day.my so called friends only made my insecurities worse,and despite my sister’s best efforts to get me to a better place inside my head,i had failed to find happiness.we shifted to the house that my parents owned after a year or so,and around 2 months later my dad,or papa,as i called him,joined us.he had applied for retirement from the Indian Navy and was planning to do an MBA at IIM-Bangalore,which is,one of the best colleges in India.the fights between my parents had started again and papa also took his anger out on his children,especially me.it wasn’t physical abuse,but his behavior and words were hurtful enough for me to term it as abuse.my sister and i decided to “run away” with my mother,who had decided it was enough,and we came to Kolkata,which is my current place of residence,and the place where my maternal grandparents and mother’s sister and her family stay.we never really informed papa we were shifting here until we did.we came here in the hopes of finding peace.but even that hope was crushed when the man mom decided to shift in with turned out to be a mentally unstable man suffering from multiple personality disorder(or dissociative identity disorder).he would have these phases when he would lose his temper and torment us.my mom tried to get him help,she even took him to a psychologist who diagnosed him with this disorder,but his ego was too big to accept the fact that he was mentally ill.my sister and i urged her to leave him but mom always wanted to give him another chance.one day,when he was worse than usual,at night he came howling into me and my sister’s room,holding mom by her hair and with a knife in his hand,cursing her and speaking of how much she had wronged us,he began threatening us of things i don’t wish to mention here.he broke my phone so i couldn’t call anyone for help,but luckily,he hadn’t noticed my sister’s phone which was lying next to me.i sent a text message to my cousin brother,to help us,and he had known of all the bullshit that man had made us go through.his parents kept calling us in the landline but we couldn’t pick up,we were locked up inside that room.they came to the house soon and things got better,we packed our things and went away with them.a lot of things have happened since then but as of now,my mother,sister and i live in a flat near my grandparents’ house and life has been much more stable,until last week.

papa was never an affectionate father and was never able to show his love for us.i have very little memory of any father-daughter quality time spent with him.he always used to say i was his favorite daughter when i was a child,but that had changed once i had stopped speaking to him for about a year,after which,he bought me my first electric guitar.out of some stupid guilt i started speaking to him but i have since developed a genuine sense of guilt of just leaving him out there,alone.i realize that it was his own behavior and my own helplessness as a child who felt obliged to listen to my mother that caused me to desert him.but i still cannot justify the profound hatred i had felt for him back then.i realize now that he was a lot like me,that he possessed an inability to express his love in an obvious manner .the lack of recognition and acknowledgement of his dedication to his work by even a single person led to his feelings of frustration,and the loveless marriage that he was trapped in made him angry.he was extremely knowledgeable-he had an infinite thirst to acquire wisdom.as a youth,his parents couldn’t fund his studies;he’d wanted to be an engineer but had instead joined the Indian Navy as he had no way out.but that never stopped him from pursuing his studies further.he holds a masters’ degree-one in English from an institution in the United Kingdom whose name i cannot remember,a Masters in Defence and Strategic Studies, University of Madras,and one,which was recently acquired,in Operations Excellence from the Cranfield University.he also had a double Masters in Business Administration(or MBA)-one in Foreign Trade from Indian Institute of Foreign Technology in Delhi,India and one in Business Administration from the Indian Institute of Management-Bangalore,India.but these are just the degrees he had acquired.he knew about almost every imaginable topic of discussion-politics,art,music,literature,quantum physics, biology,chemistry and so on.he was an untrained but insanely talented artist-he has left behind a few works that prove this.he had also co-authored 2 research books as a research fellow at the National Maritime Foundation at New Delhi,”Maritime Dimensions of a New World Order” as well as “Contemporary Transnational Challenges- International Maritime Connectivities”.prior to his death,he was working for Boeing India at the Phantom Works Division in Bangalore as a Senior Operations Analyst and was due for a promotion.this job was what he deserved,because he was acknowledged and appreciated by his colleagues here,unlike in the Navy where he wasn’t given the recognition he truly deserved.

i could not go to Bangalore on the 28th of Feb because to our society,examinations such as the board examinations of the 12th Grade are much more important than the death of someone’s father.this inhuman,cruel world does not care for things such as that.my father has gone,forever.so,what?life still goes on.no one gives a fuck.and the insincere sympathy and so called consolation that certain people give me? you should be ashamed of saying things you don’t mean.losing a father is not easy,and the last thing i need is fake wishes for me,my family or my father.

a picture of me with me father when i was a child-

i remember one day,when i was a child,he carried me around the house on his shoulders and i was giggling like the crazy little kid that i was.i felt so free back then.i know he tried his best to become a better person.but i am angry.angry he left me without saying goodbye.it seems there was someone in his life and she made him happy.i feel good to know that because i can now feel his pain,and how lonely he must have been,and how wonderful it must’ve been to finally have some love in his life.i feel death is beautiful,and death is a release from the body that ties us to the ground like shackles and chains.i’m not scared that he’s gone.i know he’s in a better place.but i feel scared,scared of the uncertainty that faces me.i am,legally, not even an adult yet,but i feel like i’ve grown up.i see things from a different perspective now-i’ve lost that tiny bit of teenage-immaturity that was still left in me.

my father’s life and death serves as an inspiration to me to become a better person.i have to be as strong as he was.i must take responsibility,i need to give up my love for procrastination.i need to work hard.i need to be dedicated.i need to prove to my father that i am indeed his daughter.i need to make him proud of me.we still have many unresolved feelings and issues in regards to one another,but that doesn’t really matter.what matters is that he was my father and i,his daughter.

peace.love.freedom.

Happy Birthday,my dear love Mr. Kurdt Cobain!

DISCLAIMER:i don’t own any of the pictures i’ve posted.i have no fuckin clue about copyrights and things like that.they’re all images from links provided to me by the awesome site that is Google.

i haven’t written for a while now,mainly because i’ve been lazy.and have been appearing for so many exams.but tomorrow is Kurt Cobain’s birthday,the 20th of February. KURT DONALD COBAIN-my one true love.i needed to express my crazy-obsessive love for him somewhere.the blog seemed like a safe place,for no person,no matter how patient and understanding,would like to hear a borderline insane woman rant on about her love for a man long gone from this world,a man who would never know of her existence.

the world cannot seem to get enough of Kurt.people love him,or the idea of him.i appreciate that,but what bothers me most about this so-called-love of the majority of his fans is that it stems not from the bottom of their heart,it is the result of a popular trend followed by many.its ironic,that people love Kurt,because other people love him,because that is exactly the kind of thing he would have shot himself for,and oh,he did.while many are of the opinion that Kurt did not kill himself,he was murdered,and there is evidence to prove the same,i believe he did,in fact,kill himself.while the reason for his sudden departure from the world remains questionable,his contribution to music cannot be denied.grunge is a genre that many would not prefer to listen to anymore and a genre that is virtually extinct because of the lack of good grunge bands.but at their time,Nirvana was as successful as they could get.

my post however,is not meant to be factual or an objective analysis of the legendary front-man Kurt Cobain.it is my way of expressing my feelings for him,however abstract and unexplainable they are.i know that wherever he is,my love for him will reach him,for such is the connection i feel with him.it is quite strange,i realize,but i cannot explain why i feel so connected to him.my father works in a major MNC Boeing whose headquarters are in Seattle.when he went there in January 2012, iasked only for only one thing from him.to go to Kurt Cobain’s bench outside his Seattle home,write my name(Mehk) and leave a bunch of flowers.here are the pictures-
my father on the bench-

he was a beautiful person,both inside and out.he is beautiful.for me,he is the most attractive man there can be.its nearly impossible to count the number of times i’ve fantasized about him.his eyes are so blue i wanna drown in them.no one in the world can carry off the weird shade of red that he colored his hair.he was also quite skinny,and that for me is so hot.my only wish right now is that i was Courtney Love in this picture!

his music moves me.his lyrics are beautiful-they’re fun,simple,twisted,complicated,sarcastic and plain awesome.if a person were to play/sing the song Heart Shaped Box to me with all his/her heart,i would completely belong to her/him.i absolutely love that song.and the lyrics,and the passion that Kurt has for his love when he sings those words.Kurt Cobain wrote another song-Moist Vagina/Marijuana,which expresses his love for the vagina (Courtney Love’s,in particular),is such a beautiful way to express sexual attraction and in my opinion is quite a respectful way to do so too,unlike many other musicians who have a crude,harsh and disgusting way of proclaiming their love for “pussies”.i love how much Kurt respected women,and was anti-homophobic.i love how unapologetic he was about being this way.in the “Journals” of Kurt Cobain which was published after his death,there is this writing,somewhat a song,titled “Travelin white trash couple”.there is a line there that truly hit me-”she loves him more than he will ever know. He loves her more than he will ever show”.

he was a “junkie”.he shot “filth” up his veins.yes,he did heroin.so what?i hate how people think they’re so right when they criticize someone’s habits and personal lifestyle choices.just because he was a celebrity-teen-idol-rockstar,it doesn’t mean you,or i,have any right to deem his personal choices right or wrong.heroin did eventually lead him to his death but if that was how it was meant to be,none of us have any right to say a damn thing about it.i don’t praise his junk habit but i do condone the fact that people are so bloody judgmental of it.his life,his choices,GET OVER IT!

there is no doubt about the fact that he was talented.his voice,guitar playing,artwork,writing and lyrics are all worthy of appreciation.among the various tribute songs written on his death(Mighty Kc-For Squirrels,The Fall(Kurt’s blues)-Cher,Let me in-R.E.M.,Tearjerker-Red Hot Chili Peppers etc.),the best one,in my opinion is About a Boy by Patti Smith.

i love you,oh Kurt.i would do anything for you.i would sell my soul to the devil,if such a thing were possible,just to spend a moment with you.my love for you is as pure as death itself,and it will forever remain so.no matter who i’m with,where i am and what i’m doing,my love for you will never die.you amuse me in ways no one can.i respect you,i respect who you were,and who you wanted to be.i never really knew you,but i do love you.in your words “you’re the fog that keeps me clear”.

Rest In Peace my love.in death,i hope,with all of my aching heart,we shall meet.

moving forward,and the things i’m looking for now

i begin my first post of 2013 by wishing everyone a happy new year may you find peace,love,freedom in your lives, and find meaning,purpose and worth in whatever you do.

2012′s long gone,and for me,moving forward,is going backwards.i say that because now that i have realized the importance of moving on from this pathetic sentimental mess that i’ve become,is transforming myself back to who i was-detached and peaceful.obsessing over anything,however beautiful it makes you feel,is a waste of your own time and energy.time and energy,they’re all we have in this transient world which is slowly fading away.and no matter what,i will not waste myself away,for someone who doesn’t even acknowledge all that i give away.i resume being who i was,i had just lost myself for a moment there.

i’m appearing for the first competitive exam of my life this sunday,and this one actually matters to me.all the tests i’ve given at school have been worthless to me.but this one’s an entrance exam for the National Institute of Design,Ahmedabad,India.i have a dream,to set up a hippie clothing label-hemp fabrics,tie-dye,cotton dresses,trippy colours,etc.and ofcourse,continue with my weird art.

just yesterday,i made a list of things i love/would love in a woman or man.please don’t think i’m being picky and choosy or anything along those lines,i’m not at all shallow,i’m quite open-minded and non-judgmental.i can grow close to almost anyone,except the narrow-minded-sexist-homophobic cunts,however,there are a few things that i would prefer over others.oh,and in case i haven’t mentioned earlier,in the blog,i’m bisexual,and proud.so here’s is the list,at first i’m writing about the values i’d look for,then the physical attributes-

IMPORTANT VALUES-

1.PASSION for love/life/music/art/literature/film/politics/gender equality.

2.some amount of INTELLECTUAL CAPACITY,i’m sorry,but i really can’t have a conversation with someone who doesn’t have any knowledge,or wisdom,about anything.

3.HONESTY in regards to every little thing he/she feels/wants/does.

4.the person has GOOD CONTROL OVER LANGUAGE-i can’t explain why,but when someone has a way with words,i find it extremely sexy.

5.the person LOVES TO TALK-i talk,a lot.at times i don’t,but those times are rare.

6.the person has either belief in,or respect for SPIRITUALITY-i cannot connect with a man or a woman if they don’t believe or respect the value of a human soul.in an unexplained way,my belief in the power of the soul has changed my life.

PREFERABLE PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES/CHARACTERISTICS-

1.i like love NATURALLY SKINNY guys.(i’m completely against the whole “pro-ana” or “pro-mia” lifestyle,i’ve had/still have a lot of body image issues,so i think the emphasis on NATURALLY SKINNY must be made). the one guy who i keep fantasizing about making love to is Kurt Cobain,my one true love,so there you go.

2.i love CURVY women.so,when it comes to the body shape of women and men,i have quite a different preference.i love women who are proud of their curves.even when it comes to my art,i love drawing women.i’m not saying there’s anything wrong with skinny women,and forgive me for being blunt,but i love women with beautiful breasts.

3.i cannot resist myself when someone SMELLS GOOD.just recently,on a night of drunken-misadventure,S,someone i’ve written about earlier,smelled so good,it compelled me to leave a hickey on his neck where he’d put the perfume. ofcourse,the fact that he’s really skinny , literally worships my tongue piercing and the state of consciousness i was in,were also contributing factors.but i distinctly remember that he smelled SO HOT.

4.i love both men and women with LONG HAIR.its plain beautiful,and quite attractive.

5.i like it when someone has WEIRD EYES.by weird i don’t mean crazy-person eyes.when someone’s eyes are magnetic and alive,that’s when they’re weird,for me.because the “normal” eye these days is one without any expression and life.

6.i love LONG and THIN FINGERS,both on men and women.and this is not for any sexual  reason(s),but i have a fascination with the way long fingers look.i realize that sounds quite strange,but i am a strange person,so therein lies the explanation.

7.i prefer GUYS who are TALLER THAN ME (that should be above 5feet 8 inches) and WOMEN who are SHORTER THAN ME.i can only picture myself with people like that.

so there was my list.i feel the need to say this once again-I AM NOT CHOOSY.these are just things i PREFER over others.so if you are/know someone who fits the description,let me know eh?

peace.love.freedom

untitled

this is a poem i wrote for K,almost a month back.i haven’t been posting regularly,mainly due to two reasons-i’ve either been too wasted,or too uninspired and lazy.hey,its the holiday season!happy holidays to all.i have never written anything so clear and in my opinion,cheesy.my poetry is always more random than meaningful,but this one somehow has quite an obvious message in it.anyways,this is the poem-

we have drowned in this ocean;
suffered endlessly,
in this sea.
yet,we seek the desert of love,
hope and peace,
and we,
hold on tirelessly,
to something that is,
ever so transitory.

we’ve long been proven wrong;
for what we have been looking for all along,
has already been found.

the blackened skies i face,
can light up,at your command!
but ’tis not brightness i seek to chase,
’tis your love,in this ocean of dismay.

you must know,
my dear,
if i could ever
love,
you’d be,
my love.

oh,we are not lost!
we are just wrong.

i am a wanderer,
in the search of truth.
but,if i could,
ever be tied down,
it would be only,
by you,my dear.

peace.love.freedom.

confusion,no connections

the title,words by Jim Morrison,the poet visionary.from “Angels and Sailors”.

today was quite a mess.i realize the day is not over yet,and the night,is yet to begin.but i still feel that this point of time is some sort of an end.i finally broke down to tears today,the reasons are so many.my mother and sister will never understand who i am.my mother,a woman who only maintains a sustained peace with me for her own selfish reasons,has never cared for anyone but herself.today,i realize that more than ever.i try,so hard,to put on a pretty face and live life with a certain level of grace,but i don’t belong here,and i never can.i know,so well,that life is what we make of it,but my thoughts have lost their power,and the people around me control them now.

when i was lost in dream land,M called me to ask where i was;i had an art exam today.i was somehow misinformed that the exam was postponed.i managed to get my sorry ass to school.mother accompanied me on the taxi ride that i took to reach that pathetic place,and she constantly kept blaming me for all that happened and reminded me of the reasons my insecurities have grown to such a level.the only thing i kept thinking was that it was not my fault,there was truly a confusion regarding the exam.but my thoughts,they don’t matter anymore,do they? after finally getting there, i submitted a barely-complete file and carried on with the practical work that was to be done.

the only thing in my mind right now is my insecurity and uncertainty.i have tried,in these past few years,to break away from the abyss that i was in,but i seem to sink right back in every time i believe that i have crawled out of it.i have never lived anywhere long enough to be attached,but every place i’ve been is a part of me.every phase that i have been in defines me.and the truth is,i cannot let go of all that.a father,so full of hatred,a mother,so superficial,a sister,so judgmental,a father-figure so abusive,a friend,so treacherous,a lover,so ambivalent,a love,so unrequited,a self,so insecure.

through remembrance and acknowledgement of nothing but reality,i am shattered.i am weak,and pathetic. hopeless,delusional and even useless. i wish to go out,meet certain people, but it seems that if i do that right now,i shall face the wrath of my mother.the reason for the wrath?only mother knows.

i spoke to K yesterday,through a few texts.it seems to me that he is a nice person,but i cannot trust him.i cannot trust anyone.why,i cannot trust myself! the whole idea of trust is absurd to me.yet i trust.and the trust is broken,always.

as always,there remains a question,unanswered. why do i do this to myself?

peace. love. freedom.