my mundane self

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i like to take long walks on slippery rainy days
short long walks
strolls inside the house
an empty space almost as grand and void as my lovers’ tears.
i like to think of indifferent poets on empty quiet days.
indifference that has stung my indifferent self.
i like to think I know what beauty means
beauty
the empty
slippery
grand vessel that
escaped one and all ever since it could be conceived.
i like to think i know what they feel
what they see
and do
on dark empty days
to guard their indifferent souls
from grand meaningless tears.
tears that would stain forevermore their beautiful pertinent (non) existence.
i like to think of myself as an artist
a wildly wise otherworldly indifferent emphatic woman with all to give and no intentions to take.
yes, I do believe we were taught wrong.
Rimbaud should have spelt out my life
and love
instead of
the inconsequential poets
who dominated the books in school and my chronically deprived
indefinite existence,
my heart/soul.
derangement from the senses is needed to experience consciousness and its unbounded boundaries
or so I have gladly accepted as a prime belief.
i like to think i know the masks/masked.
masks adorned and masks abandoned at a momentary or personal convenience .
masks that define lives and those who live them.
i like to think that there is a safe place.
the mind and its infinity
infinite structureless sound strong walls that cannot be permeated yet do not manifest in material form.

so many plans?

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hello hi namaste! so,i have 99 followers,from what wordpress tells me.this may not mean much in a competitive society such as ours but i feel truly honored. even if 1/100th (approximately) of my followers/readers(you who are reading this)ends up reading even a sentence from a post, i am happy.

since i am keeping a journal,writing on this blog has been completely off of my mind but i do plan on posting once a week at least.there is so much to be spoken about, so many people, so many ideas, so many things.

so while i have wasted my time being wasted and wasting my (tormented) self on people thereby wasting my wasted little life itself, my depersonalization has come back to haunt me and from what it seems it is here to stay for the little eternity of my little life.

as part of the explanation of a certain concept referred to as “Rasaesthetics” in sociology class at college, the beautiful teacher who explained to us this wonderful and terribly complex concept, used the term “dispassionate passion”, an ultimate form of extremely detached empathy, to speak simply, to describe the ultimate quality of the experience of truly grasping Rasa (which happens to be the essence,the liquid in the vessel,not the vessel itself,if the vessel is seen as a material object/experience/description) in its universal capacity. i am still completely obsessed with the term she used, dispassionate passion. ambivalence has always been the one word that is unchanging in the dictionary i refer to when i try to understand my experience of emotions, so while dispassionate passion might as well technically, linguistically, conceptually be a paradox, in my dictionary this is a term that makes complete sense.i feel as though i can feel everything, but not truly feel it. i think everyone gets to experience this, but this is not what is referred to as “feeling numb”. i know what feeling a plethora of emotions feels like.i know how emotions have the power to shape everything i do. i know empathy,hey,i live empathy. but i don’t truly get touched by any emotions and feelings anymore, it is almost as if i exist on an alternate plane but i don’t because what happens in this plane does affect me (but it really doesn’t,i don’t feel it does?).

or maybe i have truly grown up,and drugs sex and rock n roll (interests of a seemingly previous life of my teen age years) has just translated into peace love and transcendence for me,thus leaving me unaffected by the shenanigans of the foolish material beings i am surrounded by.

i will end by writing something for someone to whom my sexual attraction(this is as “worldly” as it gets) had been great and with whom there was even greater sexual chemistry,perhaps because we both are/were young pseudo-wild foolish kids who loved “having fun” (all of that silly stuff children refer to when they want to describe themselves with these days).and none of that is there anymore,none of the magical stuff, amusement, attraction, something. i’m even bored thinking about him,yawn! S.S ,rich spoilt skinny little boy slut with such sexiness and so many issues with female authority/mommy issues only heightened, challenged,worsened by his narcissistic tendencies. i have always loved your body but your thoughts never amused me,and now even your perfect skinny frame does not excite me anymore,the most i can do for you and you for me is to admire what used to be.

every (not so) slight and (not so) subtle touch of yours is as mundane as smoking a cigarette now,that had the capacity to bring me pleasure even upon the touch of my lips, and as the smoke filled my (damaged) lungs and slowly through my veins crept up to flow through me to complete me (and the chemical content of my body), but not anymore. i want to make love (with someone who know what it truly means) like it is the only thing that can save me from the dreary insensible world,not fuck your brains out (however fun that may have been),you beautiful creature.

peace.love.chaos.

what a wonderful world!

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well hello there people.

i have completely been out of practice with writing digitally for a while now,somehow gotten into the business of keeping a journal,and i am not not worried that someone will find it and read my inner thoughts and feelings for my handwriting restricts almost every other being from understanding the words.a lot has happened,as usual.i wonder when the ever changing world i inhabit will face positive change.

on the larger scale of things,there is a new government that has been formed in my country;one whose ideology i am not a big fan of.but ofcourse,there has hardly been any possibility for me to agree with the political formations around me,after all, i do consider myself an anarcha-feminist and i don’t see any hope for anarchy or feminism in the world i live in.

everyone is rejoicing in this sea of change-development of the economy being the most critical need of the hour? development ofcourse here,refers to capitalist exploitation reaching its peak,big shot multi national companies “helping” the poor by giving them jobs, more money,more power and happiness. and i,just a cynic hopeless dreamer,can’t help but feel disgusted by the lack of concern by our government society et all for basic human rights. they say, we have our fundamental rights, the lovely constitution safeguards us against the violations of dignity and equality,but hey,rape the women and say boys will be boys,they can,should and will be forgiven.i cannot agree with my peers when they say i have my safety;if i cannot walk out of my home without thinking a million times that what i am wearing, where i am going, what time of the day it is or if i am accompanied by men (oh the protectors!), i am not safe.i am not safe in the largest democracy (democracy,hooray!) of the world where women are raped killed harassed ignored underrepresented and shamed-blamed for all the wrongs done against them.

i am sickened and ashamed to be a part of a world where it is okay for a man to force himself upon a woman just because he can. and no, not all men do so, but yes, all women have been sexually violated at one point or the other in their lives. i have not met a single woman who hasn’t faced sexual harassment in some form or the other; verbal,non-verbal,direct-indirect.and when did it become “normal” to live in such an atmosphere of fear? there is nothing natural about being given self defense lessons because the violators can’t keep it in their pants. why are not these violators being taught that they have no right whatsoever over another person’s body, despite what can be inferred from the situation by their ignorant incompetent incorrect assumptions? (a woman’s body tempting them,and all that).

oh i forgot.we are their property.how dare we speak up!as if our “rights” are not enough,we demand true equality. we expect to be treated with dignity and respect? that,it seems,is blasphemous to even think of.

i am sick of being called a frustrated feminist who is butt-hurt because i speak up against jokes that are but a manifestation of the deep rooted misogyny in this overwhelmingly patriarchal society. i refuse to back down and accept the deterioration that this hierarchical society tries to implement on my personality just because of my gender. i may be eventually alone in this war against the chauvinism that has tried relentlessly, to define me as a creature on this planet, who is only good to bear children, cook and clean, and oh yes,satisfy sexual needs but i know i am not wrong.

i am a human being who deserves to live without fear. i deserve true and absolute freedom, not the freedom you grant me, but freedom that is undefined. i deserve to not be subject to your harassment, and my sexuality and sexual expression has nothing to do with my consent to you,consent that can only depend on my choice.

peace.love.anarchy.

dear mr. s/m (you know your name)

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if i could feel embarrassment anymore,i would be deeply embarrassed,after speaking with you on Monday(i think?). i would hide and run and hide forever, but right now all i can do is sit and laugh (at myself,) for being such a strange woman and (for you,) for the horrible surprise/timing .[let me just say, after losing the most important man in my life(my father), your gender has ceased to affect me, embarrass me or hurt me; you'll just amuse me if i'm lucky].

i am certainly more comfortable and honest here,in my writing, than in speech. hence,i must write. the distance between me and the words i have to write is quite comforting, for i am not too glad about having other people know clearly about the message i wish to convey through the (in)sincere words i say. you are probably disturbed by me and by now disinterested (if you weren’t already) but i shall stop talking about myself now and talk about (what i wish to convey to) you.

although we barely speak with one another,you seem to me a person with whom i can enjoy an interesting conversation.though it may seem strange to you, i find myself quite attracted to you and would gladly take you our/have you take me out (whatever works for you).

i want to get to know you,if only you’d let me.

i am hardly a believer in the strictly-monogamous,socially labelled/approved institution of dating, and as i must have said,i am not asking for anything serious(that is absurd to me).names, labels, definitions and every other trivial associated worldly explanations can be figured out in the due course of time.

i completely understand that you’d only want to be a friend (i also understand that is just a polite way to reject/insult me),and i would happily accept that too,for i feel you are someone worth spending my energy on but i do hope for something less mundane than ordinary friendship, i truly do feel (instinctively) that we could be good together.

i don’t do such things often,such as ask someone for their time,for it is so much easier and settling to have someone do that for me,but for you i have made an exception.

so let me know whatever it is that you want me to know after (and if) you have read this.

i hope you consider me. you know where to find me.

peace. love . anarchy .

the rain

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[i have been rather uninspired by people these days because i am trying to find myself and my one true voice,because i feel there are too many voices within me and this must stop if i wish to maintain a level of (in)sanity that i find comfortable. but while starting a journey that i know has no end (for there is no end to what truly is or isn't and the nature of daily experiences deemed as reality aren't necessarily real) i am increasingly becoming aware of the presence of a filter that inhibits my poor old heart from singing its complex song. i have been studying a lot of psychology,mostly Freudian psychology (as my sister wants to be a clinical psychologist and is a great fan of the big man) and this has made me question the reality of the self awareness i earlier seemed to possess. a lot of retrospection and introspection later i have recognized a few of the ego defense mechanisms i use and although such mechanisms are designed to protect one's ego they can result in a large-scale distortion of reality too. displacement, projection, reaction formation and most importantly sublimation. with this new-found sense of self and reality i now see others with similar flaws and imperfections, but i try to remind myself that in this imperfection is perfection, because this seems to provide me with a sense of calm. but,i digress. the reason i am uninspired is that because of all this humans are becoming increasingly predictable. some things and people do still inspire me though. the poem i have written below was written when it rained all night.the rain gods showered the people in my city with their blessings.i was in my best friend's house, M, a patient, kind, understanding and beautiful woman whom i truly love. we were talking about how our dreams made more sense to us and how our waking life was so different. i smoked some hash,sitting on her windowsill,trying to avoid the rain and eye contact with the judgmental woman who lived on the opposite building. we were lying down and speaking of beauty in all things and how the world should end to give rise to this beauty, and somewhere along the conversation M fell asleep. it was then when i wrote this poem.]

the rain.

here is
the rain
to remind us
humankind has
destroyed us,again.
an age
of pain,
hear the
screaming sages-
behold,
the insane!
queer as a rainbow,
these Gods of
the smoke filled
lanes.
entirely hooked
on lies
and
drugs
and sex
and
the devil
and
death.
look
here
comes the rain.
we have
seen
better days,
they say.
days of glory,
my dear.
days,
we reigned.
reminded of
a nostalgia trip
highly unholy,
these children
of
the sane.
(entirely composed
of
mother’s
love
and father’s
trust.)
here is
the rain,
to tell us
humankind
has sinned,
again.
rape! murder!
these children! they cry!
incredulous expeditions,
a hopeful time.
wishful,
sinful,
unholy signs,
all important,
since all signify,
the plastic time,
of beauty queens.
these plastic dreams,
in materialist schemes.
those plastic smiles,
with souls for hire.
everyone’s at stake.
let me introduce you
to your
very first buyer.
one thing
to remember
is
everyone,is
a liar.
here is
the rain
to tell me
your name,
again.
my dear
creator
of
desire
your beauty
ever so
slowly
burns
with
an eternal fire.

and now
ends
the rain
death.
eventually,
until we meet again!

peace. love. anarchy.

my top 10 Radiohead/Thom Yorke love songs

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namaste!

i was supposed to post this on/immediately after Valentine’s day (keeping in mind the spirit of showing love in an exaggerated way) but well i must confess,i have been very lazy these days.it must be noted though,that i can never understand the spirit of valentine’s day because as far as i am concerned, my love or public display of affection for the person i supposedly love with all my heart and soul isn’t reserved for a single day.that is so limiting!

anyhow,i absolutely love Radiohead,Thom Yorke particularly. i practically have Thom Yorke’s entire work(solo,with Radiohead and with Atoms for Prace) in my i-pod which has very very limited space.i remember it wasn’t so long ago that i was listening to the Kid A album on loop.the entire album is beautiful.each song is connected to the other.the transitions itself are beautiful.

but i must also state that no Radiohead song has only one meaning.Thom Yorke is smarter than to throw words at us which we would understand/interpret in an objective way.he tries to reach each and every one of us,and we are expected to make sense of what he says,and we will often differ in our interpretations.so,most of these songs aren’t “love” songs per se,but the most obvious way would be to interpret them so.

10. Where I End and You Begin

Theres a gap in between
Theres a gap where we meet
Where I end and you begin

And Im sorry for
The dinosaurs on the earth
The sky turns green
Where I end and you begin

Im up in the clouds
Im up in the clouds
And I cant and I cant come down

I can watch and not take part
Where I end and where you start
Where you, you left me alone
You left me alone

X’ll mark the place
Like the parting of the waves
Like a house falling in the sea
In the sea

I will eat you alive
I will eat you alive
I will eat you alive
I will eat you alive

and Therell be no more lies
Therell be no more lies
Therell be no more lies
Therell be no more lies

I will eat you alive
I will eat you alive
I will eat you alive
I will eat you alive

and There’ll be no more lies
There’ll be no more lies
There’ll be no more lies
There’ll be no more lies

I will eat you alive
I will eat you alive
I will eat you alive
I will eat you alive

and There’ll be no more lies
There’ll be no more lies
There’ll be no more lies
There’ll be no more lies

I will eat you alive
I will eat you alive
I will eat you alive

9. All I Need

I’m the next act
Waiting in the wings
I’m an animal
Trapped in your parked car
I am holidays
That you choose to ignore

You are all I need
You are all I need
I’m in the middle of your picture
Lying in the leaves

I am a moth
Who just wants to share your light
I’m just an insect
Trying to get out of the night

I only stick with you
Because there are no others

You are all I need
You are all I need
I’m in the middle of your picture
Lying in the leaves

It’s all wrong
It’s all right
It’s all wrong

8.Black Swan

What will grow crooked, you can’t make straight
It’s the price that you gotta pay
Do yourself a favor and pack you bags
Buy a ticket and get on the train
Buy a ticket and get on the train

Cause this is fucked up, fucked up
Cause this is fucked up, fucked up

People get crushed like biscuit crumbs
And laid down in the bitumen
You have tried your best to please everyone
But it just isn’t happening
No, it just isn’t happening

And it’s fucked up, fucked up
And this is fucked up, fucked up
This your blind spot, blind spot
It should be obvious, but it’s not.
But it isn’t, but it isn’t

You cannot kick start a dead horse
You just crush yourself and walk away
I don’t care what the future holds
Cause I’m right here and I’m today
With your fingers you can touch me

I’m your black swan, black swan
But I made it to the top, made it to the top
This is fucked up, fucked up

You are fucked up, fucked up
This is fucked up, fucked up

Be your black swan, black swan
I’m for spare parts, broken up

7.True Love Waits

I’ll drown my beliefs
To have your babies
I’ll dress like a nurse
And wash your swollen feet

Just don’t leave
Don’t leave

I’m not living
I’m just killing time
Your tiny hands
Your crazy kitten smile

Just, don’t leave
Don’t leave

And true love waits
In haunted attics
And true love lives
On lollipops and crisps

6.Videotape

When I’m at the pearly gates
This will be on my videotape, my videotape
Mephistopheles is just beneath
And he’s reaching up to grab me

This is one for the good days
And I have it all here in red, blue, green
In red, blue, green

You are my center when I spin away
Out of control on videotape, on videotape
On videotape, on videotape, on videotape

This is my way of saying goodbye
Cause I can’t do it face to face
So talking to you after it’s too late
(from my Videotape)

No matter what happens now
You shouldn’t be afraid
Because I know today has been
The most perfect day I’ve ever seen

5.Jigsaw Falling Into Place

Just as you take my hand
Just as you write my number down
Just as the drinks arrive
Just as they play your favorite song
As the magic disappears
No longer wound up like a spring
Before you’ve had too much
Come back and focus again

The walls abandon shape
You’ve got a Cheshire cat grin
All blurring into one
This place is on a mission
Before the night owl
Before the animal noises
Closed circuit cameras
Before you’re comatose

Before you run away from me
Before you’re lost between the noise
The beat goes round and round
The beat goes round and round
I never really got there
I just pretended that I had
What’s the point of instruments
Words are a sawed off shotgun

Come on and let it out
Come on and let it out
Come on and let it out
Come on and let it out

Before you run away from me
Before you start unravelling
Before you take my mic
Just as you dance, dance, dance

Jigsaws falling into place
There is nothing to explain
You eye each other as you pass
She looks back, you look back
Not just once
Not just twice
Wish away the nightmare
Wish away the nightmare
You’ve got a light you can feel it on your back
You’ve got a light you can feel it on your back
Jigsaws falling into place

4.Lotus Flower

I will shape myself into your pocket
Invisible
Do what you want
Do what you want

I will shrink and I will disappear
I will slip into the groove and cut me off
And cut me off

There’s an empty space inside my heart
Where the wings take root
And now I’ll set you free
I’ll set you free

There’s an empty space inside my heart
Where the wings take root
So now I’ll set you free
I’ll set you free

Slowly we unfurl
As lotus flowers
‘Cause all I want is the moon upon a stick
Just to see what if
Just to see what is
I can’t kick your habit
Just to fill your fast ballooning head
Listen to your heart

We will shrink and we’ll be quiet as mice
And while the cat is away
Do what we want
Do what we want

There’s an empty space inside my heart
Where the wings take root
So now I’ll set you free
I’ll set you free

‘Cause all I want is the moon upon a stick
Just to see what if
Just to see what is
The bird lights float into my room

Slowly we unfurl
As lotus flowers
‘Cause all I want is the moon upon a stick
I dance around the pit
The darkness is beneath
I can’t kick your habit
Just to feed your fast ballooning head
Listen to your heart

3. Separator

It’s like I’m falling out of bed
From a long, weary dream
The sweetest flowers and fruits hang from the trees
Falling off the giant bird that’s been carrying me
It’s like I’m falling out of bed from a long and vivid dream

Just exactly as I remember
Every word
Every gesture
I’m a heart in cold ground

Like I’m falling out of bed
From a long and weary dream
Finally I’m free of all the weight I’ve been carrying

as that woman blows her cover
In the eye of the beholder
I’m a fish now out of water

Falling off a giant bird that’s been carrying me

I fell open
I laid under
At the tip out
I was just a number

I wanna slip it over
And get back under
And if you think this is over
Then you’re wrong
If you think this is over
Then you’re wrong

(Wake me up, wake me up)

If you think this is over
Then you’re wrong
If you think this is over
Then you’re wrong

(Wake me up, wake me up)

Like I’m falling out of bed from a long and weary dream
Finally I’m free of all the weight I’ve been carrying

When I ask you again
It’s like I’m falling out of bed
From a long, weary dream
The sweetest flowers and fruits hang from the trees
Falling off the giant bird that’s been carrying me
It’s like I’m falling out of bed from a long and vivid dream

Just exactly as I remember
Every word
Every gesture
I’m a heart in cold ground

Like I’m falling out of bed
From a long and weary dream
Finally I’m free of all the weight I’ve been carrying

Every woman blows her cover
In the eye of the beholder
I’m a fish now out of water

Falling off a giant bird that’s been carrying me

I fell open
I laid under
At the tip out
I was just a number

I wanna slip it over
And get back under
And if you think this is over
Then you’re wrong
If you think this is over
Then you’re wrong

(Wake me up, wake me up)

If you think this is over
Then you’re wrong
If you think this is over
Then you’re wrong

(Wake me up, wake me up)

Like I’m falling out of bed from a long and weary dream
Finally I’m free of all the weight I’ve been carrying

When at last you’ll give in
When at last you’ll give in
Wake me up, wake me up
Wake me up, wake me up

2.Go Slowly

Oh Maria, come slowly
Come slowly to me
I’ve been waiting
Patient, patiently

I didn’t care but now I can see
That there’s a way out
That there’s a way out

That there’s a way out
That there’s a way out
That there’s a way out

1.Ingenue

You know like the back of your hand
Who let ‘em in?
You got me into this mess
You get me out
You know like the back of your hand
Your bell jar
Your collection
Ingenue
You got me into this mess
Fools rushing in, yeah
And they know it

The seeds of the dandelion you blow away
In good time, I hope I pray
If I’m not there now, physically
I’m always before you, come what may
And you know it
Fools rushing in, yeah
Well you know it

Who let them in?
Yeah well you know it
Gone with a touch of your
Gone with a touch of your hand

Move through the moment
Though it betrays
transformations
Jackals and flames
If I knew now what I knew then
Just give me more time I hope and pray
I mistake all you say
The seeds of the dandelion you blow away

and i must post 2 versions of this song,the live-acoustic as well as the recorded one.the dance in the recorded is wonderful!

peace.love.anarchy.

2014!

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i want to wish a very happy new year to all,and may my positive vibes be with you in every step of your journey to fulfillment.

so much has changed,i don’t even know what/where/who to ponder about.but i am glad to have learnt one lesson in my (pseudo)romantic life,i cannot get along for too long with pretty-perfect people.no amount of kindness can be a substitute for the chaotic, confused, beautiful, indecisive, damaged imperfection i seek in others, which is all but a reflection of my soul. i ache for torment, ambivalence, distress, danger, deviance, passion. i need dysfunction to function. not boredom,yawn,you boring pretty boy! physical attraction can only last so long. if i don’t feel the need to love, hate, complete, destroy, balance, imbalance, heal, break, rip you apart, and fix you back, i do not need you (G,this is probably the closest i can get to describe just why you don’t mean anything to me now).

being at a university such as mine, Presidency University, has been wonderful though. i feel liberated and a part of an intellectually superior class of students studying here. i am thoroughly enjoying the academic and non-academic aspects of life experienced as a student here. i always loved political science, but now it is opening my mind and informing me of opinions/views of understanding everything in general. i have met some interesting creatures here, including my “college BFF” who has many pseudonyms, such as Angus Jonty, D.P., C.C., K.K. etc. Jonty is a crazy fucker, oh and also a Mad Cunt. my first proper conversation with him began with a question somewhat along the lines of “are you (guys) stoned?”. Jonty has a child-like curiosity and a highly mature understanding of things. Jonty loves to smoke the herb, but hates cigarettes, which sadly i love. Jonty is a big bitch and makes me angry, but i adore him nonetheless. Jonty is a sensitive poet, but his regular-toocoolforschool- persona tries to show otherwise. Jonty can’t lie, and even when he does, i know all too well what he tries to hide too. Jonty loves the ladies, but fails to understand their whims. Jonty makes me laugh like a mad child, and despite the occasional silly things he does, his apology is almost always met with hysterical laughter and exasperated forgiveness on my part. i am glad i have Jonty in my life.

2014,don’t be a bitch!

peace.love.anarchy.