dear mr. s/m (you know your name)

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if i could feel embarrassment anymore,i would be deeply embarrassed,after speaking with you on Monday(i think?). i would hide and run and hide forever, but right now all i can do is sit and laugh (at myself,) for being such a strange woman and (for you,) for the horrible surprise/timing .[let me just say, after losing the most important man in my life(my father), your gender has ceased to affect me, embarrass me or hurt me; you'll just amuse me if i'm lucky].

i am certainly more comfortable and honest here,in my writing, than in speech. hence,i must write. the distance between me and the words i have to write is quite comforting, for i am not too glad about having other people know clearly about the message i wish to convey through the (in)sincere words i say. you are probably disturbed by me and by now disinterested (if you weren’t already) but i shall stop talking about myself now and talk about (what i wish to convey to) you.

although we barely speak with one another,you seem to me a person with whom i can enjoy an interesting conversation.though it may seem strange to you, i find myself quite attracted to you and would gladly take you our/have you take me out (whatever works for you).

i want to get to know you,if only you’d let me.

i am hardly a believer in the strictly-monogamous,socially labelled/approved institution of dating, and as i must have said,i am not asking for anything serious(that is absurd to me).names, labels, definitions and every other trivial associated worldly explanations can be figured out in the due course of time.

i completely understand that you’d only want to be a friend (i also understand that is just a polite way to reject/insult me),and i would happily accept that too,for i feel you are someone worth spending my energy on but i do hope for something less mundane than ordinary friendship, i truly do feel (instinctively) that we could be good together.

i don’t do such things often,such as ask someone for their time,for it is so much easier and settling to have someone do that for me,but for you i have made an exception.

so let me know whatever it is that you want me to know after (and if) you have read this.

i hope you consider me. you know where to find me.

peace. love . anarchy .

the rain

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[i have been rather uninspired by people these days because i am trying to find myself and my one true voice,because i feel there are too many voices within me and this must stop if i wish to maintain a level of (in)sanity that i find comfortable. but while starting a journey that i know has no end (for there is no end to what truly is or isn't and the nature of daily experiences deemed as reality aren't necessarily real) i am increasingly becoming aware of the presence of a filter that inhibits my poor old heart from singing its complex song. i have been studying a lot of psychology,mostly Freudian psychology (as my sister wants to be a clinical psychologist and is a great fan of the big man) and this has made me question the reality of the self awareness i earlier seemed to possess. a lot of retrospection and introspection later i have recognized a few of the ego defense mechanisms i use and although such mechanisms are designed to protect one's ego they can result in a large-scale distortion of reality too. displacement, projection, reaction formation and most importantly sublimation. with this new-found sense of self and reality i now see others with similar flaws and imperfections, but i try to remind myself that in this imperfection is perfection, because this seems to provide me with a sense of calm. but,i digress. the reason i am uninspired is that because of all this humans are becoming increasingly predictable. some things and people do still inspire me though. the poem i have written below was written when it rained all night.the rain gods showered the people in my city with their blessings.i was in my best friend's house, M, a patient, kind, understanding and beautiful woman whom i truly love. we were talking about how our dreams made more sense to us and how our waking life was so different. i smoked some hash,sitting on her windowsill,trying to avoid the rain and eye contact with the judgmental woman who lived on the opposite building. we were lying down and speaking of beauty in all things and how the world should end to give rise to this beauty, and somewhere along the conversation M fell asleep. it was then when i wrote this poem.]

the rain.

here is
the rain
to remind us
humankind has
destroyed us,again.
an age
of pain,
hear the
screaming sages-
behold,
the insane!
queer as a rainbow,
these Gods of
the smoke filled
lanes.
entirely hooked
on lies
and
drugs
and sex
and
the devil
and
death.
look
here
comes the rain.
we have
seen
better days,
they say.
days of glory,
my dear.
days,
we reigned.
reminded of
a nostalgia trip
highly unholy,
these children
of
the sane.
(entirely composed
of
mother’s
love
and father’s
trust.)
here is
the rain,
to tell us
humankind
has sinned,
again.
rape! murder!
these children! they cry!
incredulous expeditions,
a hopeful time.
wishful,
sinful,
unholy signs,
all important,
since all signify,
the plastic time,
of beauty queens.
these plastic dreams,
in materialist schemes.
those plastic smiles,
with souls for hire.
everyone’s at stake.
let me introduce you
to your
very first buyer.
one thing
to remember
is
everyone,is
a liar.
here is
the rain
to tell me
your name,
again.
my dear
creator
of
desire
your beauty
ever so
slowly
burns
with
an eternal fire.

and now
ends
the rain
death.
eventually,
until we meet again!

peace. love. anarchy.

my top 10 Radiohead/Thom Yorke love songs

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namaste!

i was supposed to post this on/immediately after Valentine’s day (keeping in mind the spirit of showing love in an exaggerated way) but well i must confess,i have been very lazy these days.it must be noted though,that i can never understand the spirit of valentine’s day because as far as i am concerned, my love or public display of affection for the person i supposedly love with all my heart and soul isn’t reserved for a single day.that is so limiting!

anyhow,i absolutely love Radiohead,Thom Yorke particularly. i practically have Thom Yorke’s entire work(solo,with Radiohead and with Atoms for Prace) in my i-pod which has very very limited space.i remember it wasn’t so long ago that i was listening to the Kid A album on loop.the entire album is beautiful.each song is connected to the other.the transitions itself are beautiful.

but i must also state that no Radiohead song has only one meaning.Thom Yorke is smarter than to throw words at us which we would understand/interpret in an objective way.he tries to reach each and every one of us,and we are expected to make sense of what he says,and we will often differ in our interpretations.so,most of these songs aren’t “love” songs per se,but the most obvious way would be to interpret them so.

10. Where I End and You Begin

Theres a gap in between
Theres a gap where we meet
Where I end and you begin

And Im sorry for
The dinosaurs on the earth
The sky turns green
Where I end and you begin

Im up in the clouds
Im up in the clouds
And I cant and I cant come down

I can watch and not take part
Where I end and where you start
Where you, you left me alone
You left me alone

X’ll mark the place
Like the parting of the waves
Like a house falling in the sea
In the sea

I will eat you alive
I will eat you alive
I will eat you alive
I will eat you alive

and Therell be no more lies
Therell be no more lies
Therell be no more lies
Therell be no more lies

I will eat you alive
I will eat you alive
I will eat you alive
I will eat you alive

and There’ll be no more lies
There’ll be no more lies
There’ll be no more lies
There’ll be no more lies

I will eat you alive
I will eat you alive
I will eat you alive
I will eat you alive

and There’ll be no more lies
There’ll be no more lies
There’ll be no more lies
There’ll be no more lies

I will eat you alive
I will eat you alive
I will eat you alive

9. All I Need

I’m the next act
Waiting in the wings
I’m an animal
Trapped in your parked car
I am holidays
That you choose to ignore

You are all I need
You are all I need
I’m in the middle of your picture
Lying in the leaves

I am a moth
Who just wants to share your light
I’m just an insect
Trying to get out of the night

I only stick with you
Because there are no others

You are all I need
You are all I need
I’m in the middle of your picture
Lying in the leaves

It’s all wrong
It’s all right
It’s all wrong

8.Black Swan

What will grow crooked, you can’t make straight
It’s the price that you gotta pay
Do yourself a favor and pack you bags
Buy a ticket and get on the train
Buy a ticket and get on the train

Cause this is fucked up, fucked up
Cause this is fucked up, fucked up

People get crushed like biscuit crumbs
And laid down in the bitumen
You have tried your best to please everyone
But it just isn’t happening
No, it just isn’t happening

And it’s fucked up, fucked up
And this is fucked up, fucked up
This your blind spot, blind spot
It should be obvious, but it’s not.
But it isn’t, but it isn’t

You cannot kick start a dead horse
You just crush yourself and walk away
I don’t care what the future holds
Cause I’m right here and I’m today
With your fingers you can touch me

I’m your black swan, black swan
But I made it to the top, made it to the top
This is fucked up, fucked up

You are fucked up, fucked up
This is fucked up, fucked up

Be your black swan, black swan
I’m for spare parts, broken up

7.True Love Waits

I’ll drown my beliefs
To have your babies
I’ll dress like a nurse
And wash your swollen feet

Just don’t leave
Don’t leave

I’m not living
I’m just killing time
Your tiny hands
Your crazy kitten smile

Just, don’t leave
Don’t leave

And true love waits
In haunted attics
And true love lives
On lollipops and crisps

6.Videotape

When I’m at the pearly gates
This will be on my videotape, my videotape
Mephistopheles is just beneath
And he’s reaching up to grab me

This is one for the good days
And I have it all here in red, blue, green
In red, blue, green

You are my center when I spin away
Out of control on videotape, on videotape
On videotape, on videotape, on videotape

This is my way of saying goodbye
Cause I can’t do it face to face
So talking to you after it’s too late
(from my Videotape)

No matter what happens now
You shouldn’t be afraid
Because I know today has been
The most perfect day I’ve ever seen

5.Jigsaw Falling Into Place

Just as you take my hand
Just as you write my number down
Just as the drinks arrive
Just as they play your favorite song
As the magic disappears
No longer wound up like a spring
Before you’ve had too much
Come back and focus again

The walls abandon shape
You’ve got a Cheshire cat grin
All blurring into one
This place is on a mission
Before the night owl
Before the animal noises
Closed circuit cameras
Before you’re comatose

Before you run away from me
Before you’re lost between the noise
The beat goes round and round
The beat goes round and round
I never really got there
I just pretended that I had
What’s the point of instruments
Words are a sawed off shotgun

Come on and let it out
Come on and let it out
Come on and let it out
Come on and let it out

Before you run away from me
Before you start unravelling
Before you take my mic
Just as you dance, dance, dance

Jigsaws falling into place
There is nothing to explain
You eye each other as you pass
She looks back, you look back
Not just once
Not just twice
Wish away the nightmare
Wish away the nightmare
You’ve got a light you can feel it on your back
You’ve got a light you can feel it on your back
Jigsaws falling into place

4.Lotus Flower

I will shape myself into your pocket
Invisible
Do what you want
Do what you want

I will shrink and I will disappear
I will slip into the groove and cut me off
And cut me off

There’s an empty space inside my heart
Where the wings take root
And now I’ll set you free
I’ll set you free

There’s an empty space inside my heart
Where the wings take root
So now I’ll set you free
I’ll set you free

Slowly we unfurl
As lotus flowers
‘Cause all I want is the moon upon a stick
Just to see what if
Just to see what is
I can’t kick your habit
Just to fill your fast ballooning head
Listen to your heart

We will shrink and we’ll be quiet as mice
And while the cat is away
Do what we want
Do what we want

There’s an empty space inside my heart
Where the wings take root
So now I’ll set you free
I’ll set you free

‘Cause all I want is the moon upon a stick
Just to see what if
Just to see what is
The bird lights float into my room

Slowly we unfurl
As lotus flowers
‘Cause all I want is the moon upon a stick
I dance around the pit
The darkness is beneath
I can’t kick your habit
Just to feed your fast ballooning head
Listen to your heart

3. Separator

It’s like I’m falling out of bed
From a long, weary dream
The sweetest flowers and fruits hang from the trees
Falling off the giant bird that’s been carrying me
It’s like I’m falling out of bed from a long and vivid dream

Just exactly as I remember
Every word
Every gesture
I’m a heart in cold ground

Like I’m falling out of bed
From a long and weary dream
Finally I’m free of all the weight I’ve been carrying

as that woman blows her cover
In the eye of the beholder
I’m a fish now out of water

Falling off a giant bird that’s been carrying me

I fell open
I laid under
At the tip out
I was just a number

I wanna slip it over
And get back under
And if you think this is over
Then you’re wrong
If you think this is over
Then you’re wrong

(Wake me up, wake me up)

If you think this is over
Then you’re wrong
If you think this is over
Then you’re wrong

(Wake me up, wake me up)

Like I’m falling out of bed from a long and weary dream
Finally I’m free of all the weight I’ve been carrying

When I ask you again
It’s like I’m falling out of bed
From a long, weary dream
The sweetest flowers and fruits hang from the trees
Falling off the giant bird that’s been carrying me
It’s like I’m falling out of bed from a long and vivid dream

Just exactly as I remember
Every word
Every gesture
I’m a heart in cold ground

Like I’m falling out of bed
From a long and weary dream
Finally I’m free of all the weight I’ve been carrying

Every woman blows her cover
In the eye of the beholder
I’m a fish now out of water

Falling off a giant bird that’s been carrying me

I fell open
I laid under
At the tip out
I was just a number

I wanna slip it over
And get back under
And if you think this is over
Then you’re wrong
If you think this is over
Then you’re wrong

(Wake me up, wake me up)

If you think this is over
Then you’re wrong
If you think this is over
Then you’re wrong

(Wake me up, wake me up)

Like I’m falling out of bed from a long and weary dream
Finally I’m free of all the weight I’ve been carrying

When at last you’ll give in
When at last you’ll give in
Wake me up, wake me up
Wake me up, wake me up

2.Go Slowly

Oh Maria, come slowly
Come slowly to me
I’ve been waiting
Patient, patiently

I didn’t care but now I can see
That there’s a way out
That there’s a way out

That there’s a way out
That there’s a way out
That there’s a way out

1.Ingenue

You know like the back of your hand
Who let ‘em in?
You got me into this mess
You get me out
You know like the back of your hand
Your bell jar
Your collection
Ingenue
You got me into this mess
Fools rushing in, yeah
And they know it

The seeds of the dandelion you blow away
In good time, I hope I pray
If I’m not there now, physically
I’m always before you, come what may
And you know it
Fools rushing in, yeah
Well you know it

Who let them in?
Yeah well you know it
Gone with a touch of your
Gone with a touch of your hand

Move through the moment
Though it betrays
transformations
Jackals and flames
If I knew now what I knew then
Just give me more time I hope and pray
I mistake all you say
The seeds of the dandelion you blow away

and i must post 2 versions of this song,the live-acoustic as well as the recorded one.the dance in the recorded is wonderful!

peace.love.anarchy.

2014!

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i want to wish a very happy new year to all,and may my positive vibes be with you in every step of your journey to fulfillment.

so much has changed,i don’t even know what/where/who to ponder about.but i am glad to have learnt one lesson in my (pseudo)romantic life,i cannot get along for too long with pretty-perfect people.no amount of kindness can be a substitute for the chaotic, confused, beautiful, indecisive, damaged imperfection i seek in others, which is all but a reflection of my soul. i ache for torment, ambivalence, distress, danger, deviance, passion. i need dysfunction to function. not boredom,yawn,you boring pretty boy! physical attraction can only last so long. if i don’t feel the need to love, hate, complete, destroy, balance, imbalance, heal, break, rip you apart, and fix you back, i do not need you (G,this is probably the closest i can get to describe just why you don’t mean anything to me now).

being at a university such as mine, Presidency University, has been wonderful though. i feel liberated and a part of an intellectually superior class of students studying here. i am thoroughly enjoying the academic and non-academic aspects of life experienced as a student here. i always loved political science, but now it is opening my mind and informing me of opinions/views of understanding everything in general. i have met some interesting creatures here, including my “college BFF” who has many pseudonyms, such as Angus Jonty, D.P., C.C., K.K. etc. Jonty is a crazy fucker, oh and also a Mad Cunt. my first proper conversation with him began with a question somewhat along the lines of “are you (guys) stoned?”. Jonty has a child-like curiosity and a highly mature understanding of things. Jonty loves to smoke the herb, but hates cigarettes, which sadly i love. Jonty is a big bitch and makes me angry, but i adore him nonetheless. Jonty is a sensitive poet, but his regular-toocoolforschool- persona tries to show otherwise. Jonty can’t lie, and even when he does, i know all too well what he tries to hide too. Jonty loves the ladies, but fails to understand their whims. Jonty makes me laugh like a mad child, and despite the occasional silly things he does, his apology is almost always met with hysterical laughter and exasperated forgiveness on my part. i am glad i have Jonty in my life.

2014,don’t be a bitch!

peace.love.anarchy.

xmas blues

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the beautiful song by the beautiful woman Janis reflects my current state of mind about someone,expressed in certain words below.

ambivalent
disinterested
dissatisfied
disoriented
highly detached
(slightly)deranged
destructive
made to fade.
estrangement
enlightened
incompetent
incoherent
interrupted
incomplete
not involved.
misunderstood
misinterpreted
mistook
passive
contradictory
doomed to fail.

peace.love.anarchy.

why the Different can never be the Same.

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hello,today is the day of Winter Solstice,which is some form of an official announcement of the winter season.also,it happens to be the date that has the “shortest” day and the “longest” night.sounds pretty exciting to me,considering how i love the night time.there is something about the onset of darkness in the sky that is comforting.all constructive work,for me,is done after the sun sets.and as an insomniac,the night time holds a special significance in my insignificant life.

what i mainly feel like talking about right now though,is not the beauty of the night time or the dreariness of the day.i feel that i must write a little about my views on the wonderful Different.

there is something that the Different have that the Same can’t ever achieve. the Same bore me. i am perpetually bored of humans and their antics,yes,but the exasperation caused by the boredom provided by the Same is that which leads me to either want to kill them or myself( keep in mind,i am just exaggerating my feelings here,i was only trying to make a point) .the Same are brainchildren of the mass scale conditioning that has been going on for quite some time now.the Same look for validation of their worth by approval of the others (Same).the Same refuse to speak the truth,for lies are all they have been fed,which they so happily accept as the truth.the Same fear the Different.the Same despise the Different,because they will never be Different.the Same find themselves at a loss of words when asked to justify their judgement of the Different,for it is,according to the Same,a crime in itself to be Different rather than the Same. the Different ask questions. they demand answers too. the Different are skeptical of any coercive authority. the Different are strangeness, absurdity, wierdness, peculiarity all combined and the Different often want the disruption of the status quo. the Different dare to dream. hell they even dare to think for themselves! I consider myself among the Different,for i have nothing to contribute to the Same.i cannot find my expression, identity, beliefs, values or voice among them.

to be an artist of any kind,say a doomed painter,broken dancer,whacko scientist,poet immaculate, unique musician or anything that involves one to express a high level of creativity on their part,i feel,the creature must be Different. the one certain belief i have is that the ability to create art cannot be learnt or faked,and if an artist creates art for any other purpose than the creation of the art itself,the art is vile and it reeks of pretense,impurity and insult.

among the few Different i know, Mr.A.,is by far the most fascinating creature. Mr.A. bleeds melancholy,in form of poetry and prose. Mr.A. has a beautiful voice. Mr.A. is the only person who knows almost everything about me. Mr.A. loves to fight, but has the most gentle soul. Mr.A. is considerate and compassionate, but only if you take the effort to understand him. Mr.A. is the closest i will get to finding a soul mate. Mr.A. wants to be an established poet someday, even though he is studying law at the moment. i refuse to let him kill his dreams, and hence, plan on putting together a book with his poetry illustrated by me,because i believe in his creativity. Mr.A. and i share the detached view on worldly things and pleasures,and realize the worth of our transient lives. Mr.A. has never made me feel ashamed of who i am and who i want to be. Mr.A. tends to project himself as a completely different person than who he truly is, but i can understand why, because i do the same. I love(the kind of love conceived by Plato as “ascending from passion for the individual to contemplation of the universal and ideal”) Mr.A. because he truly has a Different soul, a story to tell and a gift to make doom,despair and destruction seem like natural and quite essential.

peace.love.freedom.anarchy.

masquerade

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hello,hi there its 11.12.13,how holy fuckin cool is that? please do not mind my crazier-than-usual-craziness,there is a variety of reasons for that.

today,the Supreme Court(supreme/ultimate authority?) of my country,India,announced to uphold the regressive,illogical,hateful,irrational,ignorant and absolutely ridiculous law it had held previously,which was challenged,but alas! restored,that homosexuality is a criminal offence.
here is a news article regarding the same-
http://www.ndtv.com/article/india/supreme-court-says-gay-sex-is-a-criminal-offence-activists-to-seek-review-457216?curl=1386759902″ title=”supreme court says gay sex is a criminal offence”

i was absolutely at a loss of words when a certain friend of mine asked me what i felt about this.the news was heart-breaking,to say the least.i have,since around the age of 12,been aware of my own (semi-fluid) sexuality.i never tried,initially,expressing it openly because of all the kinds of consequences associated with the expression of female sexuality,which surprisingly still quite taboo.most of my childhood was spent in the “tomboy” phase and even though i have been in touch with my “feminine” side for a long time now,my art contains a whole lot of female nudity. so it is no surprise that my mother,relying on stereotypes to form her informed judgement of me, feels i’m lesbian,which in her opinion is the most horrific thing that could happen to a person.mom,seriously?i am not gay(bisexual,but i would still not love to put a label on myself),but the fact that you are so homophobic only makes me want to be gay,just to prove to you that a “sick” “twisted” “unnatural” person can,and will, achieve more than you ever did in your lifetime(lifetime of sitting on your ass and living off of others’ money,dear lady).anyhow,its not only my mother or your mother/father/sister/brother/friend/other(the sweet precious homophobes) serving as a source of anger and bitterness for me,its society in general.why,just why,are we so tolerant of their intolerance? why do we even try to justify ourselves when we choose to love someone’s soul,irrespective of their genitals? how is it wrong if i choose to love a woman with all my heart and right,when i forcefully enter into a doomed relation of servitude with a man i hardly care about?what about other issues, ones that actually grant your hatred,require it infact.rape, murder, corruption, destruction?
well fuck you homophobes,i hate you as much,if not more,than you hate me.i am not sorry for hating you,and i never will be. YOU do not have any right to tell me who,oops,what gender to love or fuck. YOU are no authority to decide what is “natural” or “unnatural”.and YOU have no reason to expect me to be sorry for my sexual orientation,no matter how confused it may seem to you.why would you bother about my love life if you were so completely sure and secure about yours?

now,i must say that everyone wears a mask of happiness,sincerity,loyalty,beauty and everything else associated with this temporal life.the mask is lifted once you do something that isn’t in accordance to their wishes.no,i am not saying that everyone’s a cruel,selfish,ungrateful creature.there are these affable,warm,loving,beautiful creatures everywhere.but eventually, time successfully reveals the (im)perfection of these perfect creatures.since human relations are not as simple as “hello,i love you.” or “hi there,i want to kill you.”,expectations and demands made by humans are also not as simple as “let me love you.” or “let me kill you.”.the complications and complexities of daily interactions very subtly manifest the changes and adjustments we wish to make in others.i am highly depersonalized from reality at the current moment,which has prompted me to make such an observation.we all wear masks,those that wear off with time,and almost everyone we meet tries to change our real selves,expecting us to wear a mask they so skilfully try to create for us.but i refuse to wear the mask that a certain someone/certain group is trying to create for me.i have never,and will never be comfortable with the conventional human relations,whether its with friends and/or lovers,however nice they might be.I don’t do normal,usual,phony.

i have tried with all my heart to become a better person(as defined by them).but i am not made of the same material as them.i live on a different plane,far far away from them.i simply cannot dedicate my heart to a man who is so perfect,in all aspects,physically and in his nature of interaction(this is someone relatively new in my life,G).he has the kindest heart and the prettiest smile,and for me is quite a change from the conventional tormented-artistic soul.but the problem is my chronic dissatisfaction.i know how detached i am and how everyone i see is but a part of a transient reality,hence not worth more than an experience.they tell me i must communicate (what?!) and appreciate what i have.they tell me i must compromise on my damaged views of fulfillment to acheive their view (a monogamous,safe/boring tried-and-tested storybook-stereotypical love)as it is the only (correct) one.

oh well.i end this post by saying i am in love with Sylvia Plath.

peace.love.freedom.